“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

LOVE IT.

How does this work?
Ryan can leave Martinsville High School a month before school starts last year. He can leave me in the biggest pit of depression and he can still have his job back whenever he wants it. Total shit. He left the best school for him... and he can just jump back into it when he figures out that it was the best place for him?! I dont think its fair. He chose to leave and quit his job.... he chose to leave. Now at the snap of his fingers he can have the whole life back?!! But now with his wife?! probably living in the same house we lived in.... doing the same things we did. Oh man. I can't wait to get out of here.





cut off communication again?!
oh I can feel its coming soon.

this is the first time in a long time that I have cried like this.... about him.

I thought I was past this stage. guess not.

cut off ties again? I am not sure that I am strong enough to let it all go again.



I just need you to hold me while I cry. thats all.



one day... just please come to my door, hold me and make this pain go away.

So all of a sudden... I am not content sleeping alone anymore. It lasted for about a month. I was totally ok with not being in a relationship... and now... I feel alone. Very alone.

Ever since Christian said something about how it was going to suck to be alone for the holidays, I have been feeling this way.

I have to be at school so I can work... but no one is going to be here.... so its going to be even more lonely than it would be if my friends were here. blah blah blah.


stay posi, suz. thats what I keep telling myself. but its really hard to keep my spirits up when love is all around me.



xox

ryan and I started talking again. weird. I know.
I was tired of listening to everyone else and not to myself.
I have not forgiven him in any way.
but I needed to stop living everday as another day I didn't talk to him.


we will see. could be getting weird.
he should not have his cake and eat it too. thats what it always gets.



xox


"I'll never light your eyes up like they should."

This started in September in hopes of remembering/getting over things. Eveything is so random but I wanted to get down EVERYTHING I could possibly remember. I remember so much more... but its too painful to write..... so here is what I got down. Did it help? Kinda.


(Last time we spoke= 6-6-06)
Every possible thing I can remember… is going to be right here….
(Date started: Monday, September 24, 2006)
1.) He didn’t like screen names with numbers in them.
2.) Our bed spread after the sleeping bag was the khaki one that used to be my sisters… it had stains on it from the roses on the bed for our first Christmas together. Tried to get the stains out with laundry soap and the soap stained the cloth.
3.) I used to have to throw my clothes at him to get his attention from the computer.
4.) We got pulled over and I was eating a Happy Meal from McDonalds (YUCK)… and he was not going over the speed limit and he was pissed when we got home and he went to the garage to beat on random things.
5.) The fireflies in the fields on the way home from Evansville the last weekend we spent together. I remember they looked like glitter in the pitch black sky… it could not have gotten any more beautiful.
6.) The night all over the house.
7.) The first time I knew he wanted to tell me he loved me…. We were outside my dorm and he was leaning against his car… and he said he wanted to tell me something but he never said it out loud.
8.) He didn’t like shoes he had to tie or ones that would get dirty easily.
9.) Always wore his flip flops in the shower.
10.) Crazy cars… but how could I forget?
11.) Angry Booger and Itchy Midget glued to his dashboard.
12.) The night he and I got into an argument, and I left and said I was going to stay at my Dads house and after I left he sent me a text message while I was getting gas. “How could you leave me like this?” After that I rushed home and found him so upset in the bed that he could not even be touched. That was the night that I knew I never wanted to ever make him hurt again.
13.) The time he yelled at a girl he knew at Soma because she was being rude to me.
14.) Staying at Sasha and Anna’s to watch the house.
15.) The time he woke me up in the middle of the night at Sasha and Anna’s.
16.) Wanting to be by his side every minute.
17.) Sasha and Anna were always late… and Ryan hates to be late.
18.) The first time we went to Bombay House and I would not eat it.
19.) He always made fun of “new school” bands and how hardcore used to be so much better.
20.) For his 28th birthday I made him a different “condom” box and I didn’t think he liked it… so I cried.
21.) No scary movies.
22.) Putt Putting with Danielle and Brandon/ Movies.
23.) “Haven’t you already had dairy today?” While eating at Moes with Jon Dillow (One of the last times we hung out)
24.) Finding the HUGE moth in Sasha and Anna’s house.
25.) Dancing at Sasha and Anna’s wedding.
26.) Watching him be so good with Julian and Andrew.
27.) Always throwing pens and markers at him in high school when he wouldn’t pay attention to me.
28.) Asking him at the top of the stairs by The Well/Pool area if he wanted a Skittle…that’s when I found out they were not vegan ☺
29.) Actually eating McDonald’s with him on Exit 19.
30.) The day he came to surprise me at school and I did not have my phone on me… and he had to sit around for hours while Christa and I were shopping.
31.) The time I was so mad at him when he was staying at my house that I had to go work out.
32.) I can remember the moment I found out he was in a relationship… and how my heart fell out of my chest. And how it didn’t hurt as bad when I found out he was married because I knew it was coming… I had already picked my heart back up off the floor.
33.) One of the first times he was taking pictures of me putting my make-up on… and how he took a picture of her doing the same thing. That felt great, let me tell you.
34.) When he pulled my hub cap off my car. Haha.
35.) When I told him I thought I had a “major” problem.. and could not tell him for about 30 min… and I was bawling my eyes out… he just said that WE would deal with it if what I thought was true.
36.) The Scientist- Coldplay… reminds me of him.
37.) The last time I saw him… I didn’t kiss him goodbye. Which makes me realize that everyone will not be around forever… so tell them how you feel and live it like it’s the last.
38.) The first time we slept in the same bed/futon together… I had never been held so tightly and close in my life and still no one can top it.
39.) Never paying attention during weekdays in college my freshman year, because all I could think about was how I could not wait until the weekend because I got to spend it with such an amazing person.
40.) I used to look at people and wonder how they were breathing without his presence in their lives. I KNEW I was the luckiest girl in the world because he was my best friend/boyfriend. I just knew that people should be jealous of me because of it.
41.) I now know… that if I were to die tomorrow that he would be the only person who never knew how I truly felt/feel.
42.) I remember how hard it was to start calling him Ryan… that I would actually avoid calling him any name at all.
43.) The road trip to see Ken… the hay blowing around in the air and got stuck in the front of the car.
44.) Having to change his oil in Ken’s yard. Rolled the car up on the ramps… I don’t remember everything and it drives me crazy.
45.) “Someday I'll forget the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice will be unfamiliar. Someday I'll forget that I once loved you, the feelings will have faded, someday I'll forget.”
46.) Everytime I was in his classroom I would hit the ionizer button 3 times to turn it off whenever possible.

I honestly do think about this constantly.... and I have never written it down. I was going to write to YOU in the rest of these entries... but i dont feel its appropriate right now.

I remember the time Ryan and I got into an argument, and i dont even remember what it was about now, but I threw my stuff in my car and was going to stay with my dad. I was driving down 37 and stopped at the BP gas station to get gas before I drove all the way to my dad's house. While I was pumping gas I got a text from Ryan that said "I can't believe you would leave me like this..." I will never forget that text message. I had hurt the one person I loved. I raced back to his (our) house as fast as I could (even though it was storming). I could not get there fast enough!! I went into our room and saw him balled up on the bed... I had never seen him so upset. I just held him until I knew he was alright. I could not have held him close enough. I just knew that I had to make the pain stop and I would have done ANYTHING to stop his pain.

Just remember this....
"I can't believe you would leave me like this..."


Too bad you could not have done the same for me.

I have decided that I am going to start to write to you, Ryan. I am going to write to you because this is the only place I feel comfortable getting out what I need to say. I have thought about sending you this link for some time now, maybe giving you a little insight into what I think and feel. Maybe it can bring you and I back together as friends. I will write in here talking to you until I decide that that you need to read it. I will know when the time is right.
First, as you read through these journal entries, you should notice the dates. I have been writing in here for over a year now. Most of the entries you will read have to do with you. It amazes me that I have been struggling with our relationship for a really long time now.
I want you to know that I am not like Marie. Everytime I see myself wanting you out of my life, I always wonder if you are comparing me to her. I hope you remember that I am not like her. I have a great soul and love with everything I have, unlike Marie. You might assume the reason I want to cut ties with you is because I am still in love with you... which is very far from the truth. It took me a year and a half of crying, 5 months of counseling (and counting) to realize exaclty why all of this was so hard for me. So I am going to lay it out for you.... the exact reason its so hard and why I have cut you out....
1.) First, you were my one true love. I can't deny that one. As much as I hate to admit it... I loved you more than anyone I had ever known. So for you to leave without a goodbye... well thats just tramatic.
2.) Second. This one is the hardest to admit. I have known you since I was 15. My dad had left, and Todd was my only male role model. Ryan... I looked up to you in so many ways... I could never tell you that I didnt love you romantically... but you were my male stability.... the one who was never going to leave me like my father did. And you did. The one man I knew I could trust... left. You dont have to believe it if you dont want to... but I know that the smallest part of me saw you still as my teacher and you still saw me as a student. I shake my head everyday for that and try and tell myself that its not true. I think you know deep down that its true.
3.) The way you left. I know you are going to have oodles of excuses for this one... and really I dont want your excuses... because you fucked that one up.

more later... I am tired.

I didn't think about it for hours tonight.... not once. Its one of the few times that has happened.

I am glad. its the first time in a long time my heart felt fine. Nothing special happened.... just hanging out. something let me let go for a minute.... but as soon as I come home I feel it once more. Its nice to have a little relief.

Its been a while since I actually sat down and wrote anything in here.

The first thing I need to get off my chest....
Is say what you mean.... not what i want to hear. I have been seeing this a lot lately. For example:
1.) Ryan. Tell me you wanted to leave. At least give me that luxury. Tell me you don't love me anymore. Watch me cry. Be man enough to see my pain and hold my while you kill me. Be man enough to accept the pain you left me with. You should have done and said so many things that would have eased my pain... but you didnt. You coward.
2.) Jonathan. Dont tell me for 4 years that you are going to fly me out to see you. Don't tell me you think of me often when we both know this is a lie. Just stop talking nonsense.... ask me about my day. What makes me who I am. Whats bothering me. Don't tell me you think of me..... just be a friend and talk to me with words of truth.
3.) Josh. This fucker. I have more respect for the man who left me with a broken heart than him. "You are a fucking joke." Dont call me a joke. I think we both know you are the one who is a joke. There is so much more to say on this subject... but I just cant bring myself to talk about it.

Next......
I have just not been feeling myself lately. I have been in a crappy mood. Totally unorganized... well more than usual. Wanting to sleep all the time. I am still keeping my head up... its just hard lately. I think I am getting lonely.


Last.......
Let LOVE fade faster. Let LOVE realize. Let LOVE feel my pain.




please.